It can be a lonely ride to the top

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That was how I felt a couple of years ago when I first got assigned to a senior management role and became a line manager for the first time in a new country. I was one of the very few female management staff heading one of the main business areas in my organization. In my region specifically, I was the only female in such a role. Don’t get me wrong, it was a position I worked towards and aspired to for years. When I finally got there, I realized there were unexpected challenges I faced as a female in such a role, professionally and personally and I struggled with how I could address them.

It became clear that sometimes while organizations are willing to promote us based on our achievements from our last role, they seldom remember to support us for new roles that will push our boundaries. Quoting the Peter principle, “managers rise to the level of their incompetence.” My take on it is, “We are promoted to our next level of incompetence.”

To some extent, I had to deal with the constant succession of crisis and minor annoyances that threatened my mission of being an effective leader due to the fact I am a young female leading a male dominated team in my organization. My ability to solve these problems and take advantage of current opportunities would immensely prepare me for future leadership roles. One of the main challenges was managing my young family with the continuously demanding professional life.

As a female on my first senior executive role, my first shock was the event where I had to cancel an executive trip to Singapore with a major client because my nanny had decided to leave her job two days before my planned trip. I have had to find alternative care for my children before, but not under this much pressure. I reached out to my colleagues and friends. My colleagues found it strange; none of them had been in similar situations because like you guess, they have stay-at-home wives who handle such situations. It was a messy situation because it was my first time living in a new country with my kids (it was an expatriate role) so we did not have any close friends to reach out to. My close friends were all living outside the country and they cloud only brainstorm on the entire situation with me. The common practice for expat jobs is that one spouse or partner stays home or takes a less challenging job in the same country. Here I was, my husband and I both high flyers, living in different countries (we had worked out a plan where my husband would fly down most weekends). In this case, he could not take the week off to watch our kids, so I ended up sending a colleague on the mission and stayed home to sort out my personal challenge.

I noticed some of the challenges I was experiencing looked simple, but had far reaching implications on my job. The lack of a defined process to access the informal mentors I sought to support me made it a tricky situation for Human resources to support. I had reached out to human resources, your guess is as good as mine; if you’re not in the structured management program or mentoring program such requests fall into the grey areas. I was fortunate to attend a Women’s Leadership Program offered by Harvard Business School later that year. It looked like the issues were gender related. It was during this executive session that the coach advised me to be the solution I seek. I was advised to seek out other females that might have followed similar career paths inside and outside my organization and to learn from them. On my return from this trip, I started my cold calling to female executives that had similar paths. I also observed that many other women growing their careers, making tough, unorthodox and challenging choices needed the support as well.

I then started a “Women and Career ” session in my organization. Once every quarter, a senior female executive in my organization would lead a video conference, to support participants with career advice, by sharing their experiences or discussing relevant career topics. Presenters were open to questions after each session, and these sessions would usually have participants dial in from over five different countries within the region. Participants could ask very practical questions and we saw our presenters being vulnerable as they shared their career stories. Informal mentoring relations started to emerge from these sessions. As these sessions grew and the demand for these sessions became unbelievable, we opened the sessions to external participants and presenters.

They say be careful what you wish for because you might just get it. I have always been career driven, working hard to grow my career but never realized during the journey, the very simple things can become an overwhelming challenge along the way. I say it is lonely, because you experience some challenges that sound very strange to some friends when you start chatting with them. I recall the incident where I had been on the road every two weeks for a three-month period, and when I finally settled back to my normal routine at home, I noticed my daughter would run down the hallway every night to sleep with the nanny. My room was next to my daughter’s. Every night I would read her a bedtime story, pray with her and kiss her good night but whenever she woke up, I would hear her tiny steps dashing to the nanny’s room all the way down the hallway. My room was just next to hers. I tried chatting with her about it, making a case why she should head to mummy first. This method kind of worked with my older son but with my four-year-old daughter, it didn’t work.

I started reaching out, seeking women that had experienced similar situations. I recall pouring my heart out to a very senior executive who had also pursued a similar career path but is now with grown kids. Her advice was priceless and never left me.

 “You need to treat her the way you treat the most important clients you have , ’’ She said, “carve out time for her, quality time and keep trying to win her over no matter how long it takes.” I think it took me almost nine months to come to the point of sharing the story without the guilt of the experience haunting me. I recall the moment my goal of winning her back started to yield results was the first night my daughter ran to my room because she had a nightmare. I smiled as tears welled up my eyes. It was an indescribable feeling, better than closing a hundred-million-dollar deal. I kept saying to myself that night, “She chose me!” Yes! Since that day I have treated her as my top client. No matter how tired I am, my nightly routine with her stands. I cancelled my cycling on Saturdays to take her weekly ballet sessions. I now dress or braid her hair to bond with her (though I am barely good at it). We bond over her toys and dress ups. I seek ways to volunteer in her class. When we can, we catch a movie together, though at the last one I was so tired I slept off during parts of the show. This has been the biggest deal I have closed so far!

In conclusion, I have learnt to re-prioritize my goals on my career journey, acknowledging that my path is different from that of my mother and women in the past who sought a balanced life and were good at all: marriage, family and career. I have learnt from Frances Frei, a professor at Harvard Business School that you should “Dare to be bad.” She talks about “Uncommon Service”—can you dare to be bad at some things so you can be great at other things. In other words, as a woman you can’t be a perfect career woman, mother and wife. Some things will slip but you just have to decide on what things should be given the right attention and priority… you can’t be good at everything, have the courage to be bad at some things! I found that very profound and liberating and have applied that as a woman in my career.

(Credit – Ryan McGuire)

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